Wear white? Nein danke.

Not suitable attire for a festival.

It’s the coolest colour, looks fresh and clean and says “summer” like no other. Yet white is a no-go shade for festivals.

Why? Well this is a field in the middle of nowhere, not freaking Wimbledon! It’s an unbreakable sartorial rule. Take a final check before you set off – go through your rucksack and chuck out anything that doesn’t pass the colour test (i.e. it must be a colour). Leave the whites to SW19 and the Ku Klux Klan. Trust me, it won’t work at a festival*.

Do I really need to tell you why? Okay, if I must. I GUARANTEE that if you wear a white top – or God forbid, white jeans – to a festival, they will be stained and dirty within MINUTES. And the last thing you’ll want when you’re heading into the arena for a bit of main stage action is an unscheduled trip back to the tent for a quick-change.

"I'm cleaner than you!" Razorlight's Johnny Borrell taunts Reading.

Grass stains, dust, dribbled ice cream, sticky children’s hands, real ale and the dreaded red wine can all leave your pristine white clothing looking like a tramp’s cast-offs.

So what? I hear you say. A little bit of grubbiness is inevitable at a festival, isn’t it? Well exactly – and if you’re going to be less than your usual dapper self, why draw attention to it by wearing the least forgiving colour in the spectrum?

Dark colours, patterns, tie-dyes and blue jeans are ubiquitous festival-wear for a reason – they’re practical. We go as far as tie-dying the baby’s muslin squares – but maybe that’s a little OTT…

*The obvious exception to this rule is famous devil’s advocate Johnny Borrell from Razorlight, who likes to wear white onstage. But then he hangs around in hospitality backstage, and is probably carried over any mud puddles by a burly minder. So in a way, his wearing white is like him blowing a big raspberry and sticking up two fingers at the General Admission punters on the muddier side of the barrier.